#5

you can't breath because you're holding everything in.
life seems heavier because you can't tell anyone what's wrong.

haven't you had enough with 'nah.. i'm fine' and 'nothing, never mind..'?

well, the hell with it.
you're not going to read this anyway.

even if you do, i know you won't do anything about it.

see you soon

when i first made this blog, i intended this blog to be a place where i can share my stories, my thoughts, my interests, and my unimportant tidbits. well, basically everything. this blog was also meant to keep me practicing writing. more importantly, this blog was made for me to be honest with myself.

as time goes by, i always try to find excuses to deny my feelings-- instead of being honest about it so then i decided not to write them down.

but i guess it's not too late to start again. :)

so see you soon :)

#4

"you know what? i was so touched when she said that she was worried of me.. she said i should take a good care of myself.."
"yeah, you really should."
"and she told me, that she'd be ready, anytime i need her."
"okay.."
"isn't she nice?"
"she really is."
"what's wrong with you? you seem so cold."
"nothing, never mind."
"oh come on.. tell me.."
"i did that to you.. well, in fact, i still do."
"do what?"
"telling you to take care of yourself. actually, i take care of you most of the time."
"of course you do.."
"but you never seem to appreciate it.."
"umm.."
"what?"
"that's the thing. i never feel like i need to work or fight for you. because you're always there for me."
"is that a bad thing?"
"depends. but i know that i can take you for granted. you'll still be there, anyway."
"..."
"it's like the quote from your favorite crappy tv show, right?"
"hm?"
"you once quoted to me 'you can always go back to your soulmate, that's what makes them a soulmate'. true, right?"
"..."
"i know i can always go back to you."

#3

aku mungkin bukan penyihir kata,

yang mampu merangkai kata demi kata

yang ketika siapapun membacanya terlarut dan ikut terbawa.

kamu bilang itu tak mengapa.

tapi aku mengerti apa yang salah.

mungkin bukan pada rangkaian katanya, ataupun susunan ceritanya.

kali ini, seberapa jujur yang kutuangkan.

seberapa aku bisa tuliskan apa yang tulus aku rasakan.

lagi, lagi dan lagi. aku pun beralasan.

aku tidak menulis. aku kehilangan ide. aku tidak punya inspirasi.

ternyata bukan itu.

mungkin,

aku masih belum berani jujur. 

entah sampai kapan.

bintang dan matahari

ada dua benda langit yang selalu aku suka. bintang dan matahari.

bintang, jelas, bapak ibuku yang menaruh bintang dalam namaku, dan sejak aku mengerti arti namaku, maka sejak itu bintang menjadi benda langit kesukaanku.
kemudian matahari. kenapa matahari? ya, setelah kupelajari ternyata matahari juga bintang.., hanya saja ia lebih besar, lebih terang. hmm ya, matahari adalah juga bintang. tentu saja aku suka. terlebih lagi, matahari itu hangat.

lalu aku kadang menyesalkan hangatnya matahari, karena bila tak ada awan yang menemani, ia menjadi terlalu hangat, panas membakar. juga sinarnya, menyilaukan mata. bila seperti itu, aku berharap biar saja langit tertutup awan gelap yang menumpahkan hujan, sehingga matahari tidak tampak lagi.

tapi itu hanya sesaat saja. bahkan ketika hujan belum turun, aku sudah merindukan matahari. merindukan sinarnya, merindukan hangatnya. rasa-rasanya aku ingin menghabiskan waktuku ditemani matahari. sampai kemudian senja menjemputnya pulang. kemudian gelap.

aku benci gelap. aku suka cerah, aku suka terang. saat gelap, aku mau matahari. aku rasa aku butuh matahari.

kemudian bintang berkelip. mungkin sinarnya tidak secerah matahari, juga tidak terasa hangatnya. namun kelap-kelipnya juga bisa menenangkan hati.

aku pun tertawa getir, untuk apa aku ingin menghabiskan semua waktuku dengan matahari? ketika gelap pun masih ada bintang terangi aku.

dan aku tersadar..,
pastilah Tuhan memiliki maksud kenapa ada bintang dan matahari. masing-masing dengan perannya sendiri.

matahari penerang hari.
bintang penenang malam.

setidaknya itu yang aku coba pahami sekarang. dan aku tentu tidak bisa memaksakan matahari dan bintang untuk bisa bersamaan. mungkin bukan mustahil, tapi kurasa itu akan terjadi saat hari akhir datang. entahlah.

lagipula juga setelahnya kusadari, aku tidak akan mungkin kehilangan matahari.
sekalipun ia dijemput senja, saat fajar turun ia pun akan kembali datang.
aku akan kembali merasakan terangnya, hangatnya. meskipun kadang rasanya menyiksa.

dan lagi, bukankah matahari adalah juga bintang?





..maka mentari, biar bagaimanapun, kamu  akan selalu jadi bagian dariku. 

#2

"i miss you"

it sounds ridiculous now. because we can never miss something we never had, can't we? well, i never had you, anyway. so there's no point of missing you. there never was~

bahagiamu

mungkin kita terbiasa berbincang dalam diam, hingga kali ini bising rasanya.
mungkin kita terbiasa menatap dalam gelap, hingga kali ini silau rasanya.

ingin menyingkir sejauh langkah kaki membawamu,
dan mengaburkan pandangan sehingga tak lagi kamu bisa melihatku

kamu pergi, lenyap, tertelan lubang hitam di langit. tak terdengar sayup kabarmu.

namun tiada setitikpun sesal atas pergimu.
karena dalam jeda ketiadaanmu, masih namamu yang terucap di tiap doa.

namamu. dan bahagiamu.

certain smell of loneliness

ada dua hal yang membawa aroma kesepian untukku. yang pertama, aroma tanah basah seusai hujan. dan aroma dari sinar matahari yang memenuhi ruangan.

meskipun terdengar aneh, tapi ya, kesepian punya aroma tertentu untukku. mungkin bukan hanya aroma, tapi hal-hal lain besertanya. karena ketika kamu menghirup aroma kesepian ini, kemudian segalanya terasa dingin, penuh sesak tak ada ruang, dan kamu ingin segera lepas darinya.

dan untukku, entah ketika aku sedang sendiri ataupun sedang menghabiskan waktu dengan orang lain, ketika aroma ini masuk menyergap ke ruangan, seketika semua terasa hening. hening yang menyesakkan.

lalu aku pejamkan mata. menghela nafas dalam. meresapi hening itu.
berharap untuk hal baik untuk terjadi sebentar lagi.


:)

after graduation

semenjak kelulusan, gue jadi mudah kangen. apa-apa dikangenin.

kangen kumpul dan ketawa tanpa beban bareng temen-temen,

kangen jalan-jalan dan nginep bareng,

kangen belajar (dan bolos kuliah) bareng,

kangen ini, kangen itu. semuanya dikangenin. 

ngeliat foto-foto lama, dengerin lagu menye-menye.

terus kangen. terus cengeng.

yailah. cemen amat yak kalo dipikir-pikir. haha. 

terus kemudian gue sadar, gue tau kenapa gue jadi semellow ini. soon i have to face real life. udah gak ada lagi tuh yang namanya main-main seenak udel . mesti udah makin bertanggung jawab sama kehidupan, dan bisa mandiri secara finansial. ish ngeri. 

dan sejujurnya, gue memang takut. i'm not sure if i can survive.
real life is hard. it is the survival of the fittest.
am i strong enough? am i capable enough?

guess i'll just keep my fingers crossed and do my best. wish me luck! :)

#1

don't ask for easy life. instead, ask for more strength. just so you'll be strong enough to get through the life's scenario that Allah has written for you. for if you're strong, you'll be able to enjoy and cherish every single moment. 

hujan dan kabar gembira

baru jam 8 malam ketika aku sampai di rumah. aku langsung masuk ke kamar dan kutemui ada beberapa pesan yang muncul di layar komputerku yang kubiarkan menyala selama aku pergi tadi. ada sebuah pesan dari seorang teman lama, dari sejak 4 jam yang lalu. karena kulihat dia masih online, maka kubalas pesan itu. kami pun berbincang, hangat dan akrab. dia menyampaikan kabar gembira.

perasaan hangat langsung menyergap saya. hujan deras dan petir di luar ditambah angin sejuk dari AC kamar tidak lagi terasa mencekam. bahagia. terharu.

yang barusan berbincang denganku adalah teman SMP. memberi kabar bahwa dia akan menikah beberapa bulan lagi, dengan gadis yang adalah temanku di SMA. lalu ingatanku melayang ke beberapa tahun sebelum mereka jadi pasangan. 

yang lelaki sungguh gigih, berbagai cara ia lakukan untuk meyakinkan si perempuan. bertahun lamanya ia berusaha, sebelum akhirnya si perempuan mengiyakan. kini sudah lebih 5 tahun berlalu sejak mereka menjadi pasangan. akhir minggu ini acara pertunangan mereka.

bahagia membuncah, sampai tak terasa aku menitikkan air mata. sang lelaki, dengan kegigihannya, selalu berusaha untuk menunjukkan bahwa ia mampu. dan sang perempuan, kawanku yang satu ini, aku kagum. hatinya bersih, jarang ada prasangka hinggap. tutur kata yang lembut, namun santai dan humoris. pintar dan tenang. ditambah lagi paras ayu dan senyum manis. sejak awal pertemananku dengan sang perempuan, aku langsung mengaguminya. semakin aku berteman dekat, aku semakin mengenal dia dan sungguh setulusnya aku berharap dia akan menemukan lelaki yang sama baiknya.

seperti dongeng, ya? tapi memang bahagia. hujan malam ini turun sebagai luapan bahagia, sepertinya. 

my best prayer goes to you both, may you live happily ever after, dear friends :)

a happy place

some people say, happiness is a state of mind. 

in order that you can feel happy, do the things that make you happy.

for me, cooking-and-baking is one of my happy places.

whenever i feel like needing a time-out. i will cook or bake. 

in fact, i dream of opening a cafe or cake shop of my own someday. 

and that's me, with a box of my home-made rainbow and red velvet cupcakes :D

what makes you happy? :)

i miss you, hey dear old-self.

blog ini memang kutujukan seperti sebuah buku harian. di mana aku bisa bebas bercerita tentang semua yang berkecamuk di benakku. tentang segala hal yang kuanggap menarik. segala hal yang kurasa dapat membuat beban perasaanku menjadi lebih ringan. (hampir) semua hal kuceritakan. tingkah polah saudara kecilku, gelak tawa bersama teman-temanku, sampai kisah patah hatiku, semua kutuangkan dalam cerita di blog ini.

sampai pada akhirnya aku membiarkan diriku untuk tidak menulis selama hampir 2 tahun, membuat blog ini terbengkalai dan bahkan terkadang aku jengah membaca tulisanku sebelumnya. bagaimana aku dahulu adalah orang yang gemar bercerita tentang segala. 

melihat diriku sekarang, aku menjadi seseorang yang enggan bercerita. dulu, apabila seorang teman berbincang, saya dengan lancarnya menuturkan berbagai macam cerita, membuat lelucon dan lain sebagainya. kini, jika seorang teman bertanya kabarku, maka aku hanya mengeluarkan jawaban singkat, 'ah gitu-gitu aja, kok.. nothing much changes..'

while in fact, things changed, a lot.

i honestly miss my old self. 

hello (again)

*cleaning up the dust on my blog*

does anyone still read this? i wonder.

well, my bad. i've been abandoning this blog for almost 2 years. and yes, as you predicted, i have lots of excuses. but mainly, i overthink about what people would say about my writings. some things happened in the past held me back from writing what i was really feeling. i kind of hated myself back then for not being able to be honest about what i feel. but now i made amend with myself, that from now on i will try to write as honest as i can.

here's some update:

- i am now no longer a college student! i finally succeeded to defend my undergraduate thesis after the first failed attempt (more on that later). the graduation ceremony will be held in 2 weeks. i get a mixed up feeling about this. hm, i feel relieved, of course. after 1.5 years of ups and downs spent to finish my undergraduate thesis, at last i graduate! then reality hits hard! i have to look for a job, make a living (although i still live with my parents). can i make it through?
- relationship-wise, hmm, i am still single. had some crushes but then it just didn't happen. and currently seeing no one (!). looking for a serious yet fun relationship now (who am i kidding? it's like i'm writing for a matchmaker haha)

at first i thought i had a lot to update, but i guess that's all~

see you in my next post! :)

just stop.

see, i don't want to wonder anymore about what you're thinking, what you're doing, or who you're doing it with. you were right, i need to move on. but i don't know if i can, unless you just stop.

stop what? i'm sorry i called. i'm sorry i keep talking to you. i'm trying to get better. what else can i do?

why don't you just stop. stop making me so crazy!

stop being so paranoid!

stop telling me what to do!

stop wasting your life on stupid things!

stop making me want your approval!

stop always being there when i need you..

(Cappie and Casey, Greek TV Series)

may be we both need to stop.

i want these.

on my 21st birthday:

i want oreo cheesecake. i want cookies and cream flavored ice cream. i want ibu's nasi ayam semarang. i want family to gather up. i want my granma to stay healthy. i want my friends will stay for a lifetime. i want to lose 10kgs. i want to stay close with My Almighty God. i want to have a better immune system. i want to be better. i want to graduate this term. i want to be able to be always grateful for all i have now.

back again.

hey, meet me again. after almost half-a-year abandoning this blog, i am back again.

why coming back?
after having so many thoughts, i find that writing, even it's hard to do, still do good to me. i read my old posts and i realized, of how i was so true. i admitted what i felt, and put that down on writings, instead of keeping it to myself like i do lately.

nice to see you again,
my wonderful and tralala world :)

bold it!

You like showers better than bubble baths.
You cannot stand pop music.
You have a sister.
You are an only child.
You have black hair.
You have blonde hair.
You have red hair.
You have glasses.
You wear contacts.
You like TV more than movies.
You don’t talk on the phone often.
You like to shop.
You like emo music.
You are tall.
You are short.
You are average height.
You have long hair.
You have medium length hair.
You have short hair.
You use AIM.
You use Yahoo IM.
You have more than 3 pets.
You like sushi.
You love sushi.
You are on a diet.
You are currently on the second floor of your house.
You have a small room.
You are in high school.
You have 1 little brother.
You have an older brother.
You are allergic to something.
You have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
You have a current crush.
You have many crushes.
You have been kissed.
You have kissed another girl.
You laugh a lot.
You have lots of friends.
You are lonely.
You are depressed.
You are listening to music.
You are doing homework.
You have school tomorrow.
You are sick.
You hate your teacher.
You think your teacher is OK.
There is drama in your school, constantly.
You are wearing sweat pants.
You are wearing socks.
You are wearing a T-shirt.
You have lost a loved one.
You hate your school.
You loved your school.
You have been picked on.
You have been yelled at.
You have gotten in a fight.
You have said a bad word.
You shop at Abercrombie and Fitch.
You play basketball.
You play softball.
You play baseball.
You play soccer.
You play football.
You hate sports.
You get manicures.
You shop at Pac Sun.
You go to the mall a lot.
You are close with your family.
You never fight with your parents.
You have been grounded.
You have driven a car.
You are listening to your iPod.
You are watching TV.
You are watching a movie.
You are listening to the radio.
You are singing.
You are happy.
You are sad.
You are blah.
You are anxious.
You are about to go somewhere.
You haven’t been out of your house for over 3 days.
Someone besides you is in the same room with you.
You love your natural hair.
You hate your eye color.
You wish you were never been born.
You write your own songs.
You write books.
You hate to write.
You hate your hometown.
You love your hometown.
You are smart.
You are average.
You are dumb.
You get good grades.
You enjoy having people at your house.
You love going to the movies with a lot of people.
You like to go bowling with your friends.
You have ice-skated before.
You like popsicles.
You think Vanilla is better than Chocolate.

Andien

Lahir dari keluarga yang lumayan besar (ibu adalah anak ke-2 dari 8 bersaudara dan bapak adalah anak ke-5 dari 6 bersaudara), membuat gue jadi punya banyak sepupu. Itu suatu hal yang sangat menyenangkan buat gue.

Tanpa bermaksud pilih kasih, gue sedang pengen nyeritain tentang salah satu sepupu gue, dari pihak ibu.

Namanya Andien.

Dia umurnya baru 6 tahun, tapi kalo diliat dari ukuran tubuhnya dia kayak baru 4 tahun. Mungiiiiiiiil sekali. Selalu bikin gue gemes mau mempermainkan dia tiap kali ketemu. Haha. Dia ini orangnya suka ceplas-ceplos polos yang bikin orang di sekitarnya ketawa geli ngeliat tingkahnya.

Yang mau gue ceritain di sini adalah potongan-potongan celotehannya dia yang selalu bikin gue cengengesan tiap ingat itu. Hihihihi.

cerita 1.

Ini cerita waktu dia baru masuk TK, Andien ini orangnya cadel. jadi tentu aja dia sering salah pengucapan kata.

"Ma, aku nggak mau temenan sama Wawa lagi. Abisnya dia sombong."
"Sombong kenapa emangnya?"
"Abis aku panggil-panggil dia nggak mau nengok.."

Karena penasaran, si Mama alias tante gue, pergi ke TKnya si Andien ini. dan sangat geli menemukan bahwa ternyata Wawa si sombong itu ternyata namanya adalah Rara.

"Jelas aja, Ndien, dia nggak mau nengok pas kamu panggil. Lah namanya Rara kamu manggilnya Wawa.."



cerita 2

Ini cerita baru-baru aja, waktu minggu pertama dia jadi murid SD. Badannya dia kan mungiiil banget, jadi seragamnya kegedean, bahkan celana olahraganya bisa ditarik sampe dada. Hahaha.

Andien ini punya kakak kelas 2 SMP dan 4 SD, yang sering menghujani si adik ini dengan serunya cerita masa SD. Maka gue tanyalah pengalaman seminggu pertamanya di SD.

"Adek Andien, gimana sekolah SD kelas satu? Enak nggak?"
"Nggak enak. Aku nggak suka."
"Lho kenapa gitu?"
"Aku lebih suka kelas miting."

Dan disaat dia jawab itu, meledaklah ketawa sekeluarga besar gue pas denger dia bilang gitu. Karena dia sering mendengar kakak-kakaknya cerita tentang betapa serunya kalo di sekolah lagi ada class meeting. Padahal dia juga nggak tau apa itu kelas miting. Hahahaha.


Dasar Adek Andien. Happy early birthday, ya dek. Semoga kamu cepat besar. Hihi.

left or right?

You Are Right Brained In Love

Bit of a drama queen Peacemaker, first to end a fight Good at thinking up creative dates Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily Going with your gut instead of your head Empathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault Good at recognizing patterns in relationships Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to win your heart

Are You a Right Brained or Left Brained Woman in Love?

okay. now compare it with this.

You Are 45% Left Brained, 55% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?